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Scene: A corridor at a sperm bank.
Sheldon: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it’s unobserved it will, however, if it’
s observed after it’s left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed, what’s your point?
Sheldon: There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Receptionist: Hang on.
Leonard: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
Sheldon: I think this is the place.
Receptionist: Fill these out.
Leonard: Thank-you. We’ll be right back.
Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.
(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Sheldon: Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.
Leonard: What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.
Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm
is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman
is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard: I’m sure she’ll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn’t.
Leonard: Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon: I want to leave.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: What’s the protocol for leaving?
Leonard: I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Sheldon: Let’s try just walking out.
Leonard: Okay.
Receptionist: Bye.
1/10页
Sheldon: Bye-bye
Leonard: See you.
Scene: The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most
t seem right. people will trip. Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’
Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father
broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?
Sheldon: Evidently.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.
Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Penny: Oh, hi!
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi?
Leonard: We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Penny: Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny.
Leonard: Leonard, Sheldon.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny: Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Penny: Great.
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Great. Well, bye.
Penny: Bye.
Sheldon: Bye.
Leonard: Bye.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
2/10页
Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard∶ We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome. Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.
Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Hi. Again.
Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Hi.
Leonard: Hi.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t
have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny: Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat?
Leonard: Uh, yes.
Penny: Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Credits sequence.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Leonard: Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny: Okay, thank you.
Leonard: You’re very welcome.
Penny: This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon: Actually that’s my work.
Penny: Wow.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the
Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.
3/10页
Penny: So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff
you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?” Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.
Penny: So, sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
s the difference? Penny: What’
Sheldon: What’s the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and
yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an
angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a
parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
Penny: Do you want me to move?
Sheldon: Well.
Leonard: Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon: Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard: Sheldon, sit!
Sheldon: Aaah!
Leonard: Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over.
Sheldon: That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.
Leonard: Yes I now, but…
Sheldon: Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.
Leonard: Yes, I remember.
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