Friends 804 The One With The Videotape

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.] Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together. Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells he’s wearing.) (Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.) Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey! You’re back! (Hugs and kisses all around.) Monica: Hi sweetie! Phoebe: Come on in! (They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel’s forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.) Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon? Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back. Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger. Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too! Chandler: They’re terrific, and they live right here in the city. Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call. Chandler: I’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with. Monica: I know. Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people? Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship. Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I’m Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg. Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance… Joey: Y’know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here? Chandler: We really…didn’t get a chance to… Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me! Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone. Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace! Monica: That you can have. Opening Credits {Transcriber’s Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.} [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang already inside.] Rachel: Hi! All: Hey! Ross: Hello! Rachel: Welcome home. Ross: So, how was the honeymoon? Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby! Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture! Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.) Chandler: Ross! It’s got your wavy black lines! Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen? Phoebe: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where. (Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.) Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey. Joey: You’re welcome buddy. Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.) Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me. Ross: (laughs) Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading. Rachel: What is? Ross: The lie you just told. Rachel: That-that you came on to me? Ross: There’s the one! Rachel: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest. Ross: Yes let’s. Y’know what? Uh, it’s-it’s not important. What is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. And it’s not—Doesn’t matter who came on to who. Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That’s right. Rachel: You know you kissed me first. Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place! Rachel: I was sending you signals? Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.) Ross: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened! Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now? Ross: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it. Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you! Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It’s an expression. Commercial Break [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table.] Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex! Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake. Chandler: Y’know who has a great video camera? Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny? Monica: Do you still wanna call ‘em? I wanna call ‘em. Chandler: Let’s call ‘em. Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs! (Monica goes over and dials their number.) Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli? Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place. Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up) Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.) Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It’s the deli again! Joey: All right! I’ll have a sandwich! Monica: (hangs up) I don’t think this number’s right! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.) Chandler: What? Phoebe: You got fake numbered. Monica: What?! People don’t do that! Joey: Oh I think we do. Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that? Chandler: I don’t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions. Monica: And you’ve never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot! Joey: Y’know what? Don’t worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe. Phoebe: Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects. Ross: (entering) Rachel won’t talk to me! She won’t even open the door! Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert! Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert! Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that! Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here’s what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing. Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don’t know. Ross: About…about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn’t had sex in months? Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talkin’ about. Six Weeks Earlier [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey. Ross: Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something I’m, I’m really uncomfortable talking about. Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom? Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I’m, I’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise. Joey: Whoa, for like months? Ross: Five to be lying, six. Joey: Six months? Whoa that’s rough. Ross: Well, I mean it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky. Joey: The sky’s blue Ross and I had sex yesterday! Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay—I’m scared for my health! Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm…Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It’s this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty. Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me. Joey: Okay. Now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story. Ross: (sarcastic) I’ll try to control myself. Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe… Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe? Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.) Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and? Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying… Ross: (intently listening) Why? [Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they’re drinking wine.] Kristen: Umm, this is great wine. Ross: It’s from France…In Europe…Western Europe. Y’know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe. Kristen: Really? Ross: Uh-hmm—Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona. Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.) Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking… Kristen: I love hiking! Ross: (whines) Oh that’s great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo… Kristen: I think its Tibidabo. Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters.] Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go? Ross: Great! I’m across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks! Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! Show me how you did it. Ross: No! No, I don’t…don’t want to. Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked? Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe. Joey: I’m not feeling it. Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking… Joey: No! No! No Ross! I’m not hot! Are you hot? Ross: It’s been six months! I’m always hot! Joey: Well you’re not selling the story! It’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I’m preparing for an audition. Okay? I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong. Ross: I’ll try that. Joey: All right now… All right, you’re all set up. You’re good to go. Just hit record. All right? Ross: Thanks. Joey: Good luck. Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I’ll help you out. Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.) (Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.) Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel! Rachel: Oh Ross! Ross: Hi! Rachel: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself? Ross: That’s less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was. (They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.) Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything. (Pause) Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.) Monica: Yeah, definitely. Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me! Joey: Y’know what? This is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape! Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "You’ll show me right?") No! Joey: You’re right. (Mouths, "I know you’ll show me, right?) Ross: Joey! No! Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "You’ll show me," and nods.) (Ross storms out.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room.] Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number. Joey: Y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either. Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names. ……