介绍:
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachel’s baby shower.]
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: So what’s the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty, a couple people from work who had something else to do.
Monica: Also both of your sisters called and neither can make it.
Rachel: What?! You mean they’re not coming to a social event where there’s no men and there’s no booze?! That’s shocking! I don’t care, as long as my mom’s here.
Monica: Oh my God, your mother!
Rachel: What?! My mom’s not gonna be here?!
Monica: Well, given that we forgot to invite her it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
Rachel: My God!
Monica: Well it wasn’t my fault, Phoebe was in charge of the invitations!
Phoebe: Well I don’t, I don’t have a mother so often I forget that other people…
Monica: (interrupting her) Oh give it a rest!
Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Neither is mine.
Monica: Okay, y’know what? Don’t worry, okay? We’ll take care of it. We’ll call her. Just go home and get ready.
Rachel: Please, make sure she comes. It’s really important to me, I mean it’s my mom!
Phoebe: I know. I know, what’s her number?
Rachel: I don’t know.
Monica: Go! I have it in my book. Go! (Rachel leaves and Monica calls Mrs. Green.) (To Phoebe) Wait a minute! If you’re in charge of the invitations why am I the one who has to call her—Hello Mrs. Green! Hi, it’s Monica Geller.
Mrs. Green: Oh, hello Monica.
Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but we’ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Mrs. Green: I know, my daughter’s told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
Monica: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m-I’m so sorry.
Mrs. Green: For what dear? For not inviting me or lying about it?
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh my God, my ass is sweating! (on phone) Please! Please! Can you come? It’s today at four.
Mrs. Green: Well all right. I’ll see you at four.
Monica: Thank you. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: Isn’t it at three?
Monica: Son of a bitch! (Calls Mrs. Green again.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, Joey is reading a script as Ross and Chandler enter carrying a basketball.]
Chandler: Hey Joe! You wanna shoot some hoops?
Joey: Oh no, I can’t go. I’m practicing; I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
Ross: Oh cool!
Chandler: That’s great.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, and if I get it by day I’ll (In a sexy voice) Dr. Drake Remoray, but by night I’ll be (In an announcer’s voice) Joey Trrrribbiani!
Chandler: You’ll be perfect for this! That’s already your name!
Joey: But the audition’s in a couple hours and I don’t even understand the game.
Ross: Well do you want some help?
Joey: Oh really? That’d be great! You guys can be the contestants!
Ross: Awesome!
Chandler: Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.
Joey: (announcer voice) All right! Let’s play Bamboozled!
Chandler: Bamboozled?
Joey: Yeah, isn’t that a cool name?
Ross: (simultaneously with Chandler) Yeah!
Chandler: (simultaneously with Ross) No!
Joey: All right. Uhh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don’t you tell us a little something about you Ross?
Ross: Well uh, I-I’m a paleontologist. Umm, I-I live in New York. I have a son Ben. Uh, hi Ben! (Waves.) And uh…
Joey: I said a little bit Ross. Now, how about you Chandler?
Chandler: Well Joey, I’m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi Rasputin! (Waves.)
Joey: Excellent! Let’s play Bamboozled! Chandler, you’ll go first. What is the capital of Columbia?
Chandler: Bogota.
Joey: It’s Ba-go-ta, but close enough. Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango card.
Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?
Joey: I should know that. Let’s see, just one moment please. Umm, here we are, a Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Chandler: Higher or lower than what?
Joey: This is embarrassing. (Looks it up.)
Chandler: (To Ross) Can you believe how lame this is?
Ross: I’m sorry, I don’t believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel’s baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five. That’s good right?
Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!
Phoebe: What? He’s gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!
Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: I’m so glad you could make it.
Monica: Yes, thank you so much. And again, we’re so sorry. We could not feel worse about it.
Mrs. Green: Try. There’s my little girl. (Goes over to Rachel.)
Monica: She’s still mad.
Phoebe: Yeah I know. Isn’t it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.
Monica: Phoebe, Sandra’s mad at you too. It-it doesn’t bother you?
Phoebe: No look, we’ve apologized twice! I can’t do anymore than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you but you just have to be okay with it.
Monica: Okay. I can do that. (Pause) I gotta go powder my ass.
[Cut to Rachel and Mrs. Green.]
Mrs. Green: Look at that face! Just like when you were in high school! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come on, let’s get some tea.
Rachel: Okay. (Mrs. Green helps her up and they walk over and get some tea.)
Mrs. Green: Oh my look at that. Only three weeks to go, now have you picked your nanny yet? Now I don’t want you to use your housekeeper ‘cause it would just split her focus.
Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I don’t even have a housekeeper.
Mrs. Green: It’s like you’re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don’t know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.
Rachel: Mrs. Kay! Oh yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. I actually think I remember some of it, tu madre es loca. (I think that’s your mother’s crazy.)
Mrs. Green: Such a sweet woman.
Rachel: Well, however great she was I just can’t afford that.
Mrs. Green: Oh Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Mrs. Green: I just had the greatest idea! I’m gonna come live with you!
Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?
Mrs. Green: Oh, I’m so happy I’m gonna do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
Rachel: Yes. Yes I do.
[Scene: Joey's Apartment, the guys are still playing Bamboozled.]
Joey: All right Ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Ross: The wheel has not been my friend tonight Joey. Uh, I’ll take another question.
Joey: Okay, this is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.
Ross: It’s okay, I’m ready.
Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question.
Chandler: This is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath… (Ross cuts him off by taking a deep breath and holding it.)
Joey: Okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, Tris…Holy cow, that’s a big word. Trisc… Seriously look at this thing. Chandler, how do you say that?
Chandler: Let me see that.
Joey: This one right here. (Ross whines.)
Chandler: Triscadecaphobia.
Ross: (exhaling) The fear of Triscuts!
Joey: No! No, fear of the number 13.
Chandler: Fear of Triscuts?
Ross: It’s possible, they have really sharp edges.
Joey: All right Chandler, you’re up.
Ross: Wait a minute, I-I believe I’m entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?
Chandler: This game makes no sense!
Ross: Y’know what? You’re just upset because you’re losing.
Chandler: Oh come on Ross, I think we’re all losers here.
Joey: All right. Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.
Chandler: Let me think. Let me think—Oh! I don’t care.
Joey: You-you must choose Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either, it makes no difference.
Joey: Choose, you jackass!
Chandler: I’ll take a card.
Joey: Okay, you picked the Gimmie card! You get all of Ross’s points!
Ross: What?!
Chandler: This game is kinda fun.
Ross: (To Chandler) You don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you…
Chandler: I don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.]
Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?!
Monica: What?
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Phoebe: For how long?
Rachel: Eight weeks. I mean I love my mother, but my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
Monica: I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
Phoebe: She can’t hear you.
Rachel: What? You guys, come on! What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Well, if you don’t want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
Rachel: You’re right. You’re right. I mean I’m about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I don’t want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! She’s gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
Monica: That’s right. That is right, you go over there and tell her you don’t want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer!
Rachel: Okay. (She goes over to tell her mother.)
Monica: (To Phoebe) This is great! Now she’s gonna be mad at Rachel! Y’know what? And I’m just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. All right everybody! It’s time to open the presents!
Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because you’re the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Mrs. Green: Well uh, I don’t have a gift because I wasn’t invited until the last minute, but thank you so much for bringing that to everyone’s attention.
Phoebe: How about you less important people, let’s open your presents!
(Mrs. Green goes into the kitchen and Rachel follows her.)
Rachel: Mom that’s okay that you didn’t get you a gift!
Mrs. Green: Well, I kinda did. Me. Eight weeks of me.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Okay, see mom, the truth is I can do this on my own.
Mrs. Green: Sweetheart I know you’re gonna be terrific mom, I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
Rachel: But mom, I really know what I’m doing. I can handle this.
Mrs. Green: Really? Remember Twinkles?
Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!
Phoebe: Okay, come on Rach it’s present time! Y’know you’re the glue that’s holding this whole party together. It’s kinda falling apart here.
Mrs. Green: Oh look.
Rachel: Wow!
Phoebe: Okay, this is from your friend at work.
Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (She’s holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That can’t be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Mrs. Green: Darling, that’s a breast pump!
Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that. Oh wow! What’s this?
Woman: It’s a diaper genie.
Rachel: Oh, it dispenses clean diapers!
Woman: No! It’s where you put the dirty ones!
Rachel: Well that’s gross, why don’t you just take it outside and throw it in a dumpster?
Mrs. Green: Oh you’re gonna do that ten times a day?
Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!
Mrs. Green: No dear, that’s what babies do.
……
