Friends 821 The One With The Cooking Class

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Monica as Ross enters carrying a huge stack of newspapers.] Ross: Hey you guys I got some bad news. (He sets the stack of papers down on the table.) Phoebe: Well that’s no way to sell newspapers. Why don’t you try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Ross: No, Monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post. (They all gasp.) I didn’t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find. (He hands the paper to Phoebe and they all read it.) Joey: Man, this is bad! And I’ve had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. (Quoting) "Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. Joey Tribbiani was abysmal." Monica: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey. Monica: (seeing the stack of newspapers) Oh my God! Look at all the newspapers! It must be a good review! Is it great?! Ross: Umm… Monica: (reading) Oh dear God! Ross: But the good news is, no one in a two-block radius will ever know. Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?! Ross: Yeah, they all know. Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible! Chandler: I’m so sorry. Monica: I’m so humiliated! Rachel: Yeah but y’know what they say Mon, "There’s no such thing as bad press." Monica: You don’t think that umm, (reading) "The chef’s Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press? Rachel: I didn’t write it. Monica: Is he right? Am I really—Am I awful? All: No! Joey: Yeah! Yeah Monica! You listen to me, okay? And I’m not just saying this because I’m your friend, I’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the truth. You’re food is abysmal! Opening Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, it’s late at night, Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark wide-awake as Ross walks to the bathroom.] Rachel: Ross! Ross: (startling him) What?! What? Rachel: I am freaking out! Ross: Are ya? Rachel: My due date is in one week! Ross: What are you doing up? Rachel: That is seven days! Ross: Okay look, I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after… Rachel: (interrupting him) No-no-no-no-no Ross! Please, come on we do not have any of the big stuff we need! We do not a changing table! We do not have a crib! We do not have a diaper service! Ross: It’s funny you should mention diapers. Rachel: I’m serious. Ross: Okay look, there’s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There’s a great baby furniture store on west 10th. Tomorrow, we will go there and we will get you everything that you need. Okay? Rachel: Okay. Thank you. That’s great. Thank you. Wait-wait! Where on west 10th? Because there’s this really cute shoe store that has like this little… Ross: (interrupting her) Okay. Okay. If uh, if you’re gonna do this, then I’m gonna do that. (Points to the bathroom.) So… (Starts for the bathroom.) Rachel: (stopping him) Oh, wait Ross! I’m sorry, one more thing! Ross: (annoyed) Yeah! Rachel: Umm, our situation. Y’know umm, what we mean to each other. And I mean we-we’re having this baby together, and we live together. Isn’t that, isn’t that weird? Ross: (stunned) (thinks) Well uh… Rachel: I’m just kidding! You can go pee! (He does so in a hurry.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is cooking as Chandler looks on. Joey: (entering) Hey uh Monica, I can’t remember. Did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies? Monica: We said at the movies, but… Joey: Okay, I’ll see you there. (Starts to leave) Monica: Joey! (He returns) Now that you’re here… Joey: Sure, I can hang out ‘til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uh—How come you’re not going? Chandler: I have a job interview I have to get ready for. Joey: I thought you already have a job. Chandler: And people say you don’t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies. Joey: Wow! How do you know how to do that?! Chandler: That’s what I do now. Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this. Joey: What is it? Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… (Feeds him a spoonful of what she’s cooking.) I’m getting my revenge! Joey: You cooked him? Monica: No. He teaches a course on food criticism at the New School, so before we go to the movies I wanna go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow! "Restaurant reviewer admits: I was wrong about Monica." Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don’t ya? [Scene: The Baby Furniture Store, Ross and Rachel are checking out.] Cashier: Do you uh, want these things delivered Mr. and Mrs. Geller? Rachel: Oh. Ross: Oh. Rachel: No-no-no! No, no, no, we’re not married. Ross: We are having a baby together, but we’re not involved. (The cashier, a very beautiful woman, looks confused) I mean, uh we-we were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. And then there was one drunken night. (Rachel looks at him angrily) Or, yes stranger, we’d like this delivered please. Cashier: Why don’t you fill out this address card. (Hands him one.) Ross: Oh, okay. Cashier: I notice you picked out a lot of our dinosaur items. Rachel: Oh yeah! Actually, that’s one of the reasons why we’re not a couple. Ross: I chose those, I’m a paleontologist. Cashier: Really?! That is so cool! Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah, don’t get to worked up over it. I mean it-it sounds like he’s a doctor, but he’s not. Cashier: Oh no-no, I’m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book? Ross: Yeah! I-I teach it in my class. Rachel: Oh my God! I’m standing at a cash register, holding a credit card, and I’m bored. Cashier: (looking at the completed address card) Oh, I love your neighborhood. There’s a great gym right around the corner from your building. Ross: That’s my gym. Cashier: I can tell you work out. (Ross is please and Rachel looks at him confused.) A paleontologist who works out, you’re like Indiana Jones. (Rachel has a disbelieving look on her face.) Ross: I am like Indiana Jones. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go? Rachel: Oh, it was great! We got everything that we needed! Oh and Ross, almost got something that wasn’t on the list. A whore. Phoebe: What?! Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. Phoebe: Well did she know you two weren’t married? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh my God! Well the idea of a woman flirting with a-with a single man, we-we must alert the church elders! Rachel: You don’t understand! You didn’t see how brazen she was. Phoebe: Sounds like you’re a little jealous. Rachel: No! I’m not! I-I-I just think it’s wrong! It’s-it’s that I’m—Here I am about to pop and he’s out picking up some shop girl at Sluts ‘R’ Us! Phoebe: Is that a real place? (Rachel’s stunned) Are they hiring? Chandler: (entering) Hey Phoebe! (To Rachel) Fatty! Phoebe: Hey Chandler, why so fancy? Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It’s kinda a big deal too. Its a lot more money and I’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring. Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that. Chandler: Me! I do that. So… Seriously, do I look okay? I’m little nervous. Rachel: Oh yeah! You really—You look great. Phoebe: Yeah, just don’t get your hopes up. Chandler: Why not? Phoebe: Well, the interview… Chandler: What about it? Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression. Chandler: (shocked) What?! Phoebe: Oh you don’t know. Chandler: Are you serious?! Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh! Chandler: What is it that I do? Phoebe: Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy. Chandler: (To Rachel) Did you like me when we first met? Rachel: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. (Gets up and hurries out.) [Scene: The New School, Monica, carrying her dish, and Joey are confronting the food critic.] Monica: Hi! Umm, I’m Monica Geller, I’m the chef at Alessandro’s. The Food Critic: Still? Monica: I think the things that you said about me are really unfair, and I would like for you to give my bouillabaisse another chance. The Food Critic: I don’t see any reason why I would do that to myself again. Joey: Either eat it, or be in it. Monica: Spoon? (Hands him one and he tastes it.) So, what do you think? The Food Critic: I’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.) Joey: Thata girl! Huh? We should get out of here; there’s a new class comin’ in. (They start to leave.) The Cooking Teacher: Welcome to introduction to cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a hollandaise sauce and a bearnaise sauce? (No one can.) Monica: I can. The Cooking Teacher: Okay, go ahead. Monica: Well umm, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but a bearnaise has shallots, shirvel, and most importantly tarragon. The Cooking Teacher: That’s very good, what’s your name? Monica: Monica. The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class. Monica: Okay. (Does so.) [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are unpacking and setting up their new purchases.] Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life? Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (There’s a knock on the door and Ross answers it.) Oh hey Katie! (The cashier from before) What uh, what are you doing here? Katie: Well, the delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this. (A blanket.) Ross: Ah, must’ve been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store. Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries are really a part of my job description. Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.) Katie: Oh uh…I actually came here to ask you out. Ross: Oh! Wow! Uh, yeah! That sounds great. I’m just gonna put this (The money) back in my pocket, pretend that didn’t happen. Uh yeah, actually I’m free now. Do you wanna grab some coffee or… Katie: Sure! Rachel: Horny bitch. (They both look at her, pretending that the dinosaurs she’s holding are arguing.) No! You’re a horny bitch! Noooo! You’re the horny bitch! No! You’re a horny bitch! Commercial Break [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, continued from before.] Rachel: So you guys go, have a really good time. Ross: (To Katie) Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coat. And uh, and my whip. (Katie looks worried.) Y’know because of the Indiana Jones? (Katie laughs) Not-not because I’m-I’m into S&M. (Katie’s worried again.) I’m not-I’m not into anything weird. Y’know? Just-just normal sex. (Katie is uncomfortable.) So, I’m gonna grab my coat. (Does so, leaving Katie and Rachel alone.) Rachel: So, you had a good day huh? Big commission; picked up a daddy. Katie: Are you okay with this? Rachel: Oh yeah! Yeah please, you guys have fun. Katie: Okay. It was nice to see you. Rachel: Oh and it was great to see you too. And you look fantastic, although you missed a button. Katie: Oh umm, actually I umm… Rachel: Oh okay, I see what you’re doing there. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Phoebe are entering.] Chandler: I can’t even believe this! I really come off that badly? ……