346. A Call to Squat

A Call to Squat By John Gordon I’ve been thinking a lot lately about squat toilets.  The truth is, I’m not a regular squatter, but I think maybe we all, for the sake of our personal health and well-being, ought to get to know them a little better.  In addition to the obvious physical benefits, the “squatter” encourages us to use our time more efficiently, and just generally makes us feel like better people.  After a careful study, it becomes clear to the educated observer that any so-called “advantages” of the “sitter” are really superficial, actually hindering our lives, and that squatting is the way to go. Let’s start with the health benefits of the squatter.  When we pay a visit to the sitter, we’re really only getting one thing done for our body, but when we go to the squatter, our body gets a workout!  The squatter builds our quadriceps, strengthens our ankles and our sense of balance, and--many people do not know this--leading scientists in the field have concluded that squatting is definitely more cleansing than sitting.  Anyone who has squatted a number of times will tell you that this is true. “But,” I hear you saying, “My time on the sitter each day is a special time when I can relax from the hustle and bustle and deadlines of everyday life.  How can I do that with my legs burning and my ankles threatening to give out?!”  Relax.  Take a deep breath.  I also once thought of my time on the sitter as a precious time of relaxation, until I thought about whether or not it was the best use of my day.  Going the bathroom is a chore, and we should try to get the most out of it; there are plenty of other times when we can relax.  We sit there for fifteen minutes and count the tiles, and stare at our reflection in the doorknob, or read a magazine, when we could just squat, get a good workout, and be out in less than two.  If you absolutely need to read, it can be done on a squatter–I’ve done it.  Just remember, life is short, and a squatter encourages us to be efficient: to take care of our business, improve our physical well-being, and then get back to the tasks at hand in our daily lives So, we have established that the squatter is good for the body... but what does it do for the mind?  Well, many people will tell you that the feeling of accomplishment that one feels after a successful trip to the squatter is really something special.  Just one failure of balance while squatting can be a disaster, so if we make it through with no mishaps, we really have accomplished something.  This small feeling of pride can help jumpstart us through the rest of our day, because if we can conquer the squatter, maybe we can conquer anything. Sadly, despite all of the above facts, squatters have been disappearing from bathrooms all over the world, replaced by bulky, porcelain sitters.  As we progress further and further into the modern age, as the focus of our lives moves more and more towards gluttonous  comfort, I worry that the squatter, even in countries like China that have embraced it for many years,  might be completely forgotten and left behind.  I myself have been guilty in helping to bring abou the demise of the squatter: when confronted with both a squatter and a sitter, I often give into my lazy impulses and sit.  But, People of the World, if we want to save the squatter from annihilation, we must let the Powers that Be know by voting with our feet!  When given the choice to squat or sit–from this day on–LET US SQUAT!