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【第197期】梵高：亲爱的提奥 · Sally
“我的冒险，不是靠主动选择，而是被命运推动。”——梵高
主播：Sally
坐标：广东·佛山
My dear Theo,
我亲爱的提奥，
It’s with some reluctance that I write to you, not having done it for so long, and that for many a reason. It is possible that I wouldn’t have written to you even now, were it not that I feel obliged, compelled, to do so.
我在勉强地给你写信，因为种种原因，我已经沉默了如此长的时间。如果不是迫不得已，很可能我到现在都不会给你写信。
I heard in Etten that you had sent me 50 francs. Well, I’ve accepted them. With reluctance, of course, with a feeling of some despondency, of course, but I am in some sort of impasse or mess. What else can I do? And so I am writing to thank you.
我在埃顿听说你给我寄了50法郎。好了，我收下了。当然，我并不情愿，也感到沮丧。但我已经无路可走，我还能做什么呢？所以我写信来感谢你。
As you may know, I am back in the Borinage. Father said he would prefer me to stay somewhere near Etten, but I refused and I believe I was right to do so. To the family, I have, willy-nilly, become a more or less objectionable and shady sort of character. How then could I then be of any use to anyone? And so I am inclined to think the best and most sensible solution all round would be for me to go away and to keep my distance, to cease to be, as it were.
你可能知道，我回到了博里纳日。父亲说他宁愿我留在埃顿附近，但我偏不，我相信我是对的。对于这个家来说，我有着或多或少令人反感的阴暗性格，那么我怎么对你们有用呢？所以我认为，最好最明智的办法，最好就是我离开，和你们保持距离，仿佛我从不存在。
I should be very happy if you could see in me something more than a kind of idler. For there is a great difference between one idler and another idler. There is someone who is an idler out of laziness and lack of character, owing to the baseness of his nature. If you like, you may take me for one of those.
如果你不把我看成那种游手好闲之人，我会非常高兴。即使游手好闲者也有不同的类型，有种人因为懒惰、卑劣、缺乏个性而碌碌无为。如果你愿意，可以把我看做这类人。
Then there is the other kind of idler, the idler despite himself, who is inwardly consumed by a great longing for action who does nothing because his hands are tied, because he is, so to speak, imprisoned somewhere, because he lacks what he needs to be productive, because disastrous circumstances have brought him forcibly to this end. Such a one does not always know what he can do, but he nevertheless instinctively feels, I am good for something! My existence is not without reason! I know that I could be a quite a different person! How can I be of use, how can I be of service? There is something inside me, but what can it be?
也有另一种人，尽管他们的内心被强大的渴望所驱使，但现实不可改变，他们无能为力，就像被囚禁了一样，所处的环境缺乏创造所需的土壤，使他们无所作为。这样的人不是总能确定自己要做什么，但是他本能地感到：尽管如此，我必然有擅长的事情，我必有存在的意义。我知道我会成为一个不同的人！只是我如何能成为有用之人？应该怎么做？是金子就一定会发光，但我身上能发光的特质又是什么？
He is quite another idler. If you like you may take me for one of those.
这是意义完全不同的游手好闲，如果你愿意，也可以把我看成这类人。
And people are often unable to do anything, imprisoned as they are in I don't know what kind of terrible, terrible, oh such terrible cage.
人们常面临着无能为力的情况，如同被困在这样令人恐惧的笼子里。
I do know that there is a release, the belated release. A justly or unjustly ruined reputation, poverty, disastrous circumstances, misfortune, they all turn you into a prisoner. You cannot always tell what keeps you confined, what immures you, what seems to bury you, and yet you can feel those elusive bars, railings, walls.
我当然知道会有解脱之时，最终的解脱。是什么把人变成囚徒？是因揭发或造谣而败坏的声誉，是困窘之情，是不安之境，是不幸之事。人并不是总能知道是什么囚禁了他，是什么样的墙把他隔绝，或者是什么把他活埋，但是总能感觉到那些像闩条、像笼子、像墙一样的东西无处不在。
Is all this illusion, imagination? I don't think so. And then one asks: My God! Will it be for long, will it be forever, will it be for eternity?
所有的这些都是想象抑或幻觉吗？我觉得不是。于是我扪心自问：我的上帝，这种境况会长久吗？会持续永远吗？会永恒不变吗？
Do you know what makes the prison disappear? Every deep, genuine affection. Being friends, being brothers, loving, that is what opens the prison, with supreme power, by some magic force. Without these one stays dead.
你知道什么能让这无形的牢笼消失吗？是每一种深刻而真实的爱。是朋友之谊，是手足之义，是情人之爱，正是爱这种至高无上的力量才能打破这无形的牢笼。没有爱，就没有生命。情义被唤起之处，生命得以重生。
But whenever affection is revived, there life revives. Moreover, the prison is sometimes called prejudice, misunderstanding, fatal ignorance of one thing or another, suspicion, false modesty.
有时候，这个牢笼也会以别的名字出现。比如偏见，或误解，或这或那的致命无知，或怀疑，或虚伪的谦逊。
And if I could ever do something for you, be useful to you in some way, know that I am at your service. Since I’ve accepted what you gave me, you could equally ask me for something if I could be of service to you in some way or another; it would make me happy and I would consider it a sign of trust. For today, I shake your hand, thanking you again for the kindness you’ve shown me.
如果我可以为你，做些什么有用的事，我随时任你驱使。我已经接受了你的爱，你也可以同等地要求我给你些什么，这会让我感到欣慰，我会视之为信任。现在，我握着你的手，再次感谢你给予我的爱。
Yours truly, 你的，
Vincent，文森特
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