介绍:
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey! I just got uh, my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote, "I loved Dr. Geller’s class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!"
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh?
Rachel: Who wrote it?
Ross: Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.
Joey: Oh hey, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer. (Ross is stunned.)
Chandler: A hot girl’s at stake and all of the sudden he’s Rain Man.
Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why are we so sure that this is a girl?
Ross: It’s a girl! Anyway, it wou—it wouldn’t matter. Okay? Because I’m a teacher and she’s a student.
Chandler: Oh, is that against the rules?
Ross: No, but it is frowned upon.
Chandler: I see.
Ross: Besides, there’s a big age difference.
Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when you’re 90…
Ross: I know when I’m 90 she’ll be like 80 and it won’t seem like such a big difference.
Joey: No that’s not what I was going to say at all. No, what I was going to say is when you’re 90 you’ll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are eating breakfast as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey Chandler! Y’know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
Phoebe: What’s a Movement class?
Monica: It’s Chandler’s way of pretending he didn’t take mime.
Joey: Oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition!
Chandler: Oh, I don’t know man. I haven’t talked to her in like ten years.
Joey: No-no-no, please-please Chandler I-I-I would owe you so much!
Chandler: You do owe me so much. You owe me three thousand, four hundred…
Joey: Hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? Why? Will you make the call or what?
Chandler: Oh okay, I’ll-I’ll try.
Joey: All right! Thanks! You’re the best! Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Chandler: Yeah so, Tuesday?
Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Mon? I’m gonna check my messages.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Yeah sure, nature called, she wanted to see who else did.
(Rachel dials her number.)
Rachel: (on phone) Hello? (Shocked that someone answered.) Uh, Rachel. (To the gang.) Great, someone is in our apartment. Call the cops!
Monica: You’re on the phone!
Rachel: (on phone) Oh my God! Oh my God! Thank you! (Hangs up) That was the fire department, there was a fire at our place!
Phoebe: Oh my God! How bad was it?
Rachel: Well, he didn’t say, but it was a fire. I’m guessing not very good. Come on, we gotta go!
Monica: Come on! (The girls all run out and Joey holds up Chandler by smiling.)
Chandler: What are you smiling about? What is so funny?
Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
[Scene: N.Y.U. Paleontology department, Ross is putting up the grades on the message board.]
Burt: (another professor) Wow! It looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester! (Ross frantically starts to change some as a female student, Elizabeth, approaches.)
Elizabeth: Professor Geller?
Ross: (startled) Yeah?
Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.
Ross: Oh thank you. Thanks very much. (Leans up against the board and on a thumbtack.) Ow! (He pulls away.)
Elizabeth: Uh, I’m a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation…
Ross: That was you?
Elizabeth: Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You’re a teacher. I’m a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?
Ross: Oh I, I don’t-I don’t think that would be the best idea.
Elizabeth: Oh, because I was thinking, the semester’s over; you’re not my teacher anymore.
Ross: What time?
Elizabeth: (checks her grade) Oh, y’know what? Forget it, you already gave me an A.
Ross: Gotcha. (Starts to leave.)
Elizabeth: I’m kidding!
Ross: Oh! So-so seriously, what time?
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, everyone minus Ross are arriving to inspect the damage. The fire department is still there.]
Phoebe: Coming through! (Has to dodge a fireman) Oh! Coming through! (Sees a cute one.) Oh! Hello! Hi! (Smiles then realizes) No! Right! Coming through!
(They start to look around seeing that the living room is undamaged.)
Monica: Oh well, it’s not so bad.
Fireman #1: Yeah, most of the damage is pretty mostly contained in the bedrooms.
Phoebe: Oh!
Rachel: My God! (They both run into the bedrooms.)
Joey: (to the fireman) Hey buddy, do you think I can borrow your uniform this Thursday?
Fireman #1: Excuse me?
Monica: Joey! He’s working! (To Chandler) You would look good in that.
(Phoebe and Rachel return)
Joey: Oh, how bad is it?
Phoebe: Oh, it’s bad. It’s really bad. The only thing in there that isn’t burned is an ass. Which I do not remember buying!
Chandler: How’s your room Rach?
Rachel: Everything’s ruined. My bed. My clothes. Look at my favorite blue sweater. (Hold it up.)
Monica: Isn’t that mine?
Rachel: Fine! I’m sorry for your loss! (Hands it back to her.)
Fireman #1: So uh, you’re not gonna be able to live here for a while, you ladies have a place to stay?
Rachel: (stands up) Wow! Oh-okay, look pal, I am not in the mood to be hit on right now! But if you give me your number I will call you some other time.
Monica: (pulling Rachel back down) Yes, they can stay with us.
Chandler: Have you figured out what started the fire Mr. Fireman?
Fireman #1: Well uh, do either of you smoke?
Phoebe: No, not usually. But yeah, I could use one right now.
Fireman #1: No-no-no, do you uh light candles? Burn incense?
Phoebe: Yes! I do! All the time! I love them! Oh my God! I did it! It’s me! It’s me! I burned down the house! I burned down the house!
Rachel: Okay Phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. Okay? (To the fireman) I warned her about those candles.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]
Chandler: God, it’s great to catch up! I can’t believe how long it’s been!
Joey: Chandler, is that… (Mimes someone using a movie camera and Chandler nods yes.)
Chandler: (on phone) Oh that’s great! Good for you.
Joey: Hey-hey listen… (Chandler waves him away.)
Chandler: Okay! So yeah, maybe we can get together umm… (Joey mimes throwing something in the air, catching it, rolling it out, putting it in an oven and cutting it.) Can you hold for one second please? (To Joey) What?!
Joey: When you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?
Chandler: (on phone) Hi! I’m back. (Goes to hang up the phone.) Yeah, that sounds great. (Listens) Okay. Well, we’ll do it then. (Listens) Okay, bye-bye. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to see Joey standing close to him and screams.)
Joey: Hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? I mean I know it’s Thursday, but what time?
(Monica enters.)
Chandler: Hi.
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: (To Joey) We didn’t get to the audition. I’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then.
Joey: Ah-ha!
Monica: Wow! So, now you’re going on a date with this girl?
Chandler: Honey, it is not a date! I haven’t talked to her in ten years! You can’t just call up somebody you haven’t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. There are rules, y’know? You gotta, you got to put in some time.
Monica: You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s not like you’re y’know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.
Chandler: No, we only went out once.
Monica: You dated her!
Chandler: Not once!
Monica: All right, well why don’t I go out with an ex-boyfriend and do Joey a favor?!
Joey: Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor, maybe you go out with Joey. (He turns around to see Chandler glaring at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is having coffee with Dana.]
Chandler: (laughs) Oh that’s great, my friend Joey’s in the movie business.
Dana: Y’know who I ran into from school? Howie.
Chandler: (giggles) My friend’s name is Joey.
Dana: Apparently Howie’s editing now. Yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. Can you believe that?! Y’know I-I-I haven’t spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor!
Chandler: Yeah, I’ve always hated that Howie.
Dana: No, no "How you doing?" Man, I mean not even a cup of coffee first!
Chandler: The nerve huh?
Dana: Yeah!
Chandler: Refill?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is about to debut Hotel Monica (formerly known as Rachel’s Room) to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Monica: Now, this is last minute so I want to apologize for the mess. Okay?
(They walk into a completely redecorated and repainted room. And of course, the room is immaculate. Only an obsessive-compulsive like Monica could find fault with the room.)
Rachel: Oh my God! It sure didn’t look this way when I lived here.
Monica: I know! Now look, there’s only one problem though. There’s only room for one, so I guess one of you will have to stay at Joey’s.
Phoebe: Well, since the fire was kinda my fault I guess (To Rachel) you should get to stay here.
Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey, now this was no one’s fault Pheebs. Okay? It was an accident.
Phoebe: Well no, it was my fault so you should get the nice room.
Rachel: Okay! (She jumps on the bed.)
Monica: So Rach! You’re the first guest at Hotel Monica! Umm, you’ll just have to tell me how you like your eggs in the morning. And I thought I would bring them to you, y’know, in bed. Oh, you have been through so much.
Rachel: I have.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey is showing Phoebe around.]
Joey: This right here is where I keep the pizza. (He points to the chair.) And uh that’s where the napkin is. (Points to the floor next to the chair.)
Phoebe: What’s that smell?
Joey: I know! (Shrugs his shoulders.)
[Scene: A street, Ross is walking with Elizabeth on their date.]
Elizabeth: Oh please! It was such a big class! You never even noticed me!
Ross: What? Of course I did! You uh, you sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.
Elizabeth: Who?
Ross: Oh uh, I had trouble remembering everyone’s name, so I-I kinda came up with nicknames. Like the guy on the other side of you was Smelly von Brownshirt.
Elizabeth: Oh yeah. So umm, did you have a nickname for me?
Ross: Umm, no. No.
Elizabeth: Yes you did! What was it?
Ross: Umm, it’s Cutie McPretty.
Elizabeth: Ohh that’s so sweet!
Ross: Listen, I gotta tell ya, I-I’m having a great time! Y’know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student teacher thing, and to be frank I thought it would be too, but it’s not. I mean it’s not at all.
Burt: (exiting from a restaurant) Dr. Geller!
Ross: (pushing Elizabeth into a doorway) Burt!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are cleaning up the mess.]
Phoebe: So did you sleep well last night?
Rachel: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah?
Rachel: I did, Monica was so sweet she left a little mint on my pillow.
Phoebe: Y’know what Joey left on my pillow?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Gum!
Fireman #2: Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
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