Friends 620 The One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Phoebe is helping Joey rehearse for an audition. Phoebe is overacting her part.] Joey: The reactor’s gonna blow in three seconds, we’re never gonna make it! Phoebe: You’ve got to get out of here! Save yourself! Joey: No! I won’t leave you! Phoebe: Don’t worry about me, I’m a robot! I’m just a machine!! Joey: No you’re not! Not to me! Phoebe: (she stops reading from the script) Oh my God. Joey: What? Phoebe: I am extremely talented! Joey: Yeah, you’re great! Okay, let’s take it from… Phoebe: (interrupting) No, I mean I was really acting my ass off. Joey: Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too. Phoebe: Oh yeah, you’re solid. Yeah, you’re just no me. Joey: Y’know what? I think that’s enough for now. Yeah. I don’t want to be over rehearsed. Phoebe: (tremendously overacting) Fine! I’ll do it without you! (Joey gives her thumbs up) I don’t need you or anybody else! I’m gonna make it on my own! (Joey closes the door to his bedroom.) You’ll see!! You’ll all see!! Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey is memorizing his lines. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as well.] Chandler: (To Joey) So uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for? Joey: Oh, it’s a new TV show. Yeah. I’m up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac." Yeah, I’m a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. He’s a, he’s a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E." Rachel: So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey: That’s the title! Yeah! Y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese. Chandler: That is lucky. Rachel: Huh—Wait so Joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own TV show! I mean you’ll be like the Big Cheese! (To Phoebe) Or the Big Mac—Hey! You love those! Joey: Well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen. Chandler: Now-now, why would you say that Joseph? Joey: I mean come on you guys! My own TV show? I just don’t know if I’m good enough. Phoebe: I am. Rachel: Joey, what are you talking about? You’re a terrific actor. Joey: You really think so? Rachel: Ugh, how can you even ask that question?! [And with that we go into the save the budget portion of the show, which features flashbacks from previous episodes. The first set of auditions feature high lights or low lights of Joey’s acting career. The first flashback is from The One With The Lesbian Wedding.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there to watch Joey's first scene as Dr. Drake Remoray.] Chandler:  Whoa, she's pretty. (Mentioning the girl on TV) Joey:  Yeah, and oh she's really nice too. She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting. Rachel:  I'm sorry, what? Monica:  What? Ross:  Excuse me? Joey:  It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this. (Does this intense look where it looks like he's smelling a fart.) Chandler:  Oh, ok. Joey: (there's a gunshot on TV) There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv] "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.  I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a..." (Does the smell-the-fart look.) [The next flashback is from The One With The Butt.  The gang is watching Joey in Freud!] Joey: (on stage in an Austrian accent) Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.) All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang... [The next flashback is also from The One With The Butt and it's also on the soundtrack.  He's Joey telling everyone about his big break in Monica and Rachel's apartment.] Joey:  I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God. Joey:  C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me! Ross: You're right, you're right, it is. Monica:  Yes. Ross:  So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? [Cut back to Joey about to leave for his audition for Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.] Joey: All right well, I’m outta here. Wish me luck. Phoebe: (overacting with a song this time) (singing) Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!! Joey: Yeah, whatever. (Exits.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are playing chess and are both studying the board intently.] Ross: It’s your turn. Chandler: Oh, are we playing this?! Joey: (entering, dejectedly) Hey. Chandler: Hey! How’d the audition go? Joey: Terrible! I messed up every line! I shouldn’t even be an actor! Ross: Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well? Joey: Yeah, did I fool ya? Ross: Totally! Chandler: So it did go well. Joey: Oh, it went amazingly well! Ross: Great! Chandler: Oh that’s great! Joey: Yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys. Chandler: Oh my God! Ross: Wow! Joey: And I know both of them, they’re really good. One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers… Ross: Oh, I love that guy! (Laughs.) Chandler: Oh-oh, what are you doing? Ross: (stops laughing) What am I doing? Joey: I’m just so nervous! Y’know? The callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. I feel like my head is going to explode! Chandler: Well, it is overdue. Ross: Look, don’t worry. Okay? You’re gonna be fine. Joey: There’s just so much pressure. I mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. I don’t know if you’d understand. Ross: Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs. [Thus starts another series of flashbacks all dealing with the pressure the rest of the Friends have to deal with in their jobs. The first flashback is from The One With The Stoned Guy.] [Scene: Chandler's office. He's on the phone, agitated.] Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy! [The next flashback is from The One With The Prom Video.  Monica is at a job interview at a new restaurant.] Monica:  Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce. Interviewer:  Uh-huh. Is it dirty? Monica:  Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it. Interviewer:  Don't, I like it dirty. Monica:  That's your call. Interviewer:  So, uh, what are you going to do next? Monica:  Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos. Interviewer:  Are they, uh, firm? Monica:  They'r alright. Interviewer:  You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad? Monica:  No really, they're OK. Interviewer:  You gonna slice them up real nice? Monica:  Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne. Interviewer:  Aaaahhhhhhh. Monica:  I'm outa here. [Monica leaves] [The next flashback is from The One With Rachel's Crush.] [Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel’s new job.] Rachel:  (on the phone) Monica, I’m quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn’t even buy it! (Pause) I’m telling you I’m quitting! That’s it! I’m talking to my boss right now! (Pause) Yes I am! (Pause) Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Okay bye, call me when you get this message. (Hangs up.) [The next flashback is from The One With The Dozen Lasagnas, Phoebe is telling everyone but Rachel about the pass Paulo made on her.] Monica:  Well, what happened? Phoebe:  Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until... (The flashback shows Paulo lying face down on the massage table and slowly moving his hands up Phoebe's legs and grabbing her butt.) All:  Ohhhhhh! Ross:  Oh my God! Phoebe:  And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (The flashback shows Paulo rolling over and showing Phoebe his equipment.) Monica:  Was it... Phoebe:  Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it! [The next flashback is from The One With Ross's Sandwich, Ross his confronting his boss about him eating Ross's sandwich.] Ross: You ate my sandwich? Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone. Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash. Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What? Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away. Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away! [Cut to an outside shot of the museum.] Ross:  (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!! [Cut to a shot of a park.] Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Joey: I want this part so much! Y’know? If I don’t get this part I’m never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!—No, I didn’t say that! That’s a lie. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is there talking to the chick and duck.] Chandler: Oh come on guys, it’s not like I moved to Europe! I just moved across the hall! And we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for (struggles to get this out) Monica’s allergies. (The duck quacks.) You’re right, I could never lie to you. She hates you. (The phone rings.) Should I get that? (Laughs, then answers the phone.) Hello? (Listens) Uh no, Joey’s not here right now. Can I take a message? (Listens) Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30? (Listens) Okay great. (Listens.) Bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle on the door but Monica walks in and forces him to jump out of the way.) Monica: (startled) Ahh! Aren’t you dressed yet? Chandler: (looks down at his clothes) Am I naked again?! Monica: We’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes. Chandler: Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean, is it okay if they come visit? Monica: Wh?! What about my allergies?! Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.) [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and Joey scores a goal.] Joey: Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right! Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh? I mean how crazy would that be? Chandler: As crazy as soccer? (The phone rings and Joey answers it.) Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The audition’s not ‘til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Who’d you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.) Chandler: You mean you didn’t get it from this? Joey: The allergy guy got the part! Thanks! Chandler: Well, maybe we can fix it y’know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him! Joey: How could you do this to me Chandler?! This part could’ve turned my whole career around! Chandler: I messed up. Okay? I’m sorry, I really messed up. Joey: Hey, you don’t even live here anymore! What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine! Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. ……