Friends 805 The One With Rachel’s Date

[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she is frantically working and is handing two finished dishes to a waitress.] Monica: Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well! Now go-go-go! (Phoebe enters) Hey Phoebe! Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey how was dinner?! Phoebe: Dinner was good! Monica: Okay! Phoebe: I’m just saying hi! Now I’m gonna go! Monica: Okay! (Phoebe turns to leave but notices an attractive man.) Phoebe: (To him) Oh, well hello there. Guy: Hi. Phoebe: (To Monica) I didn’t see this on the menu. Monica: Uh Tim? This is Phoebe. Phoebe this is Tim, my new sous chef. Phoebe: Oh, so you're Monica’s boss? Tim: Actually she’s my-my boss. Sous is French for under. Phoebe: Oh! I sous stand. Monica: Hey Tim? I need a calamari and a Caesar salad. And umm, could you get me the pesto? Tim: Yeah. Phoebe: Oh you…you made pesto? Tim: Yes I did. Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o? Tim: I…I-I don’t know, but I would say it’s pretty good-o. (Phoebe laughs too hard.) (Monica goes over and grabs the pesto.) Monica: All right, I still need a calamari and a Caesar salad. Tim: I like your necklace. Phoebe: I made it myself. Tim: You are so talented. Phoebe: Well, it’s no pesto. Monica: All right, all right! Let’s just cut to the chase, okay? (To Phoebe) You’re single. (To Tim) You’re single. (To Phoebe) He gets off work at eleven. (To Tim) She’ll be waiting for your call. (To Phoebe) I’ll give him your number if I can get one calamari and one Caesar salad!! (Everyone in the kitchen stops.) I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar. Opening Credits [Scene: Chandler’s Office, he’s working at his computer as his boss, Mr. Franklin, sticks his head in.] Mr. Franklin: Wow Bing! Burning the midnight oil. Chandler: You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn? Mr. Franklin: You’re a joker Bing. (Walks away.) Chandler: What’s funny about that? Ross: (running up) Hey! Sorry I kept you waiting so long. Chandler: Hey that’s okay. So, where do you want to go? Ross: Oh ah, I think you know where I want to go. Chandler: The Hard Rock Café? Ross: Yeah! Chandler: Again?! Ross: Yeah!! (They go out to the elevators.) Ross: I’m telling you, I like the food! Chandler: You like the Purple Rain display! (A guy walks up.) Hey Bob. Bob: Hey Toby! Have a good night. (Walks by.) Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby? Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that’s my name. Ross: Well, why don’t you correct him? Chandler: Oh it’s been going on way to long now. Y’know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn’t say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone and I’m still Toby. Ross: Five years?! Chandler you have to tell him! Chandler: No! That would be so awkward! Look—Besides, we work in different departments. He’s on the sixth floor y’know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What’s the big deal? It could be worse, it’s not like he’s calling me Muriel. (Chandler suddenly freezes into place.) Ross: (laughs) Muriel. Wh-why would he call you Muriel? (Ross realizes something.) Oh my God! Chandler M Bing? It’s not just an M, your middle name is Muriel!! Chandler: Shh! It is a family name! Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never gave you a chance did they? [Scene: Days Of Our Lives set, Joey is doing a scene with a co-star as Rachel watches on a monitor.] Joey's Co-Star: Drake, I’ve discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss. Dr. Drake Ramoray: What is it? Joey's Co-Star: Apparently your brain transplant was not entirely successful. It seems your body is rejecting Jessica’s brain. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Is it serious? Joey's Co-Star: Not if we extract tissue from the original host body, synthesize antibodies, and introduce them into your system, which could stop it from rejecting the brain. Dr. Drake Ramoray: Well that sounds simple enough, let’s just do that. Joey's Co-Star: We would, but when we went to exhume Jessica’s body, it was gone. (Dramatic music plays and Joey does a little ‘Smell-the-fart’ acting.) Director: Cut! Very nice people! Joey: (To Rachel) Okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner. Rachel: Well don’t—What happened to Jessica’s body?! Joey: I’m not telling, you’ll have to see it on TV! Rachel: You don’t know do you? Joey: No, couldn’t care less. Joey's Co-Star: Hey good scene man. Joey: Hey you too! Joey's Co-Star: Alright. (Rachel clears her throat.) Joey: What? You weren’t in it. Rachel: Oh! (Motions to Joey’s co-star.) Joey: Oh sorry. Uh-uh, Kash? Kash: Yes? Joey: This is my friend Rachel. Rachel, Kash, Kash, Rachel. Rachel: Hi. Kash: Hey! How come I haven’t seen you here before? Rachel: Well, Joey probably thinks I’ll just embarrass him. Y’know, he thinks I’m some kind of a soap opera nut—Which I’m not! I’m not. Although I do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. (Starts stroking his arm) And uh, and that your-your dog’s name is Wally. Well look at that, I’m just stroking your arm. Joey: (grabbing her) Here we go! Here we go! (Starts to pull her away from Kash.) Rachel: Oh, we’re leaving. Bye Kash. Kash: Bye. Rachel: Say hi to Wally. [Scene: Central Perk, Monica is getting coffee as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Ooh Monica! Monica: Hi! Phoebe: Oh my God! I had the best time with Tim last night. He is so sweet! Oh, I can’t wait to get sous-neath him. Monica: I…I have to fire him. Phoebe: But why?! Monica: Because he’s terrible! Okay, he’s slow, he burns things, last night he lit my pastry chef on fire! Phoebe: Well maybe he was just nervous, y’know you can be very intimidating. And besides I’ve met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two. Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows, mission accomplished. Phoebe: But Monica, he loves his job so much! Can you just give him another chance? Please? Monica: (thinks about it) All right, but if-if he lights someone else on fire he is out of there! Phoebe: That’s fair! Thank you so much. Thanks. Oops, it looks like when he got the pastry chef he got you a little bit too. Monica: I paid to have this done. Phoebe: Love it! [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating at the counter as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh you know uh Kash, really liked you the other day. He said he thought you were charming. Rachel: I thought I was a complete idiot. Joey: Hey, I’m with you. He even asked me if I thought you’d go out with him. Rachel: Oh! Oh, I think I’m gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say? Joey: I said no. Rachel: What?! Joey: What? I…I just figured since you’re pregnant you’re not gonna be seeing people. Rachel: Okay Joey, first of all Kash Ford is not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant? Joey: I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people. Rachel: Good-good, don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Just have him call me okay? Joey: Rach look, I really don’t think that’s such a great… Rachel: Okay, you go do it! I’ll come back to that set! I’ll meet more actors! I’ll meet ‘em all! [Scene: Chandler’s Office Building, Chandler is walking by the elevators and sees Bob standing there.] Chandler: Hey Bob. Bob: Hey! How’s my pal Toby doing today? Chandler: If I see him, I’ll ask. Bob: (laughs) Toby! (The elevator doors opens, Bob boards the elevator, Chandler walks away, and Mr. Franklin steps out of the elevator.) Mr. Franklin: Hey-hey! Bing? Was that Bob from six you were just talking too? Chandler: Yeah! Mr. Franklin: Oh then you know each other. Chandler: We’re on a semi-first name basis. Mr. Franklin: What do you think of adding him to our team? Chandler: Bob? Ooh, working here with us? Everyday? Yeah, I don’t know if he has what it takes. Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six. Chandler: But this is eleven. It’s almost twice as hard up here. Mr. Franklin: Okay, I hear you loud and clear. Bob will stay put. Chandler: I think it’s best sir. Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find someone up here. The work is starting to pile up. I’ve got a stack of documents on my desk this high. (Holds his hand at shoulder level.) Chandler: Y’know what you should do, just toss ‘em in the shedder and claim you never got ‘em. Mr. Franklin: (laughs) That’s a good one. (Walks away.) Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Monica: Hey. Okay, I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go! Phoebe: But… Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!" Phoebe: Okay. Okay, but you can’t fire him today. Monica: Why not?! Phoebe: Because I’m dumping him today. Monica: What?! You said he was sweet! Phoebe: He is sweet. He’s too sweet. He calls me all the time. (Mimicking him) "So did-did you get home from work okay?" "Did-did you get out of the shower okay?" Monica: Just don’t pick up your phone. Phoebe: Then he comes over! (Mimicking him) "I’m so worried about you." Uck! Be a man! Monica: What? So now I’m not allowed to fire him? Phoebe: You can’t fire him and dump him the same day, he’ll kill himself. Monica: Okay well then, I’ll fire him today and you go out with him for another week. Phoebe: Are you kidding?! Another week with that sip, I’ll kill myself! Monica: Okay well, then we’ll both do it today and he’ll just have to deal with it! Phoebe: Okay. But the question is who’s gonna go first. ‘Cause whoever goes second is the bitch. Monica: What do you mean? Phoebe: Come on! The boss that fires a guy that’s just been dumped, bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that’s just been fired, blond bitch! Monica: I wanted to do this days ago so I think I should go first. Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh. But—Screw you I’m going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.) [Scene: Chandler’s Office Building, Bob is standing at the elevators and sees Chandler walk up.] Bob: Hey Toby, you got a sec? Chandler: Sure, what’s up? Bob: I just had a meeting, I was actually hoping to get transferred up here, but I just found out its not gonna happen. Apparently somebody thinks I’m not eleventh floor material. Say uh, who the hell is this Chandler? [Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date and Joey is reading a magazine.] Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight. "Umm, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m a Mormon," or "I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?" Ross: (entering with a pizza and beer) Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey! Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There’s a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that’s supposed to be very powerful. Interested? Joey: No. No. But I’ll go see a normal person movie with ya. Ross: Rach? You wanna come? Rachel: Oh no, I can’t. I got a date. Ross: A date? Rachel: Yeah. Why? Is that weird for you? Ross: Why no, it’s the opposite of weird. It’s-it’s uh, regular. It’s-it’s uh, it’s mundane. It’s actually uh, a little dull. Joey: It’s no Ukrainian film. Rachel: Yeah—Ooh! Earrings! (Goes into her room.) ……