35. Romantic Love and Ideal Romantic Relationship

[35.Romantic Love and Ideal Romantic Relationship] Romantic love has clear evolutionary roots but our views about what makes an ideal romantic relationship can be swayed by the society we live in. So says psychologist Maureen O'Sullivan from the University of San Francisco. She suggests that humans have always tried to strengthen the pair-bond to maximise reproductive success. Many societies throughout history and around the world today have cultivated strong pressures to stay married. In those where ties to family and community are strong, lifelong marriages can be promoted by practices such as the cultural prohibition of divorce and arranged marriages that are seen as a contract between two families, not just two individuals. In modern western societies, however, the focus on individuality and independence means that people are less concerned about conforming to the dictates of family and culture. In the absence of societal pressures to maintain pair-bonds, O'Sullivan suggests that romantic love has increasingly come to be seen as the factor that should determine who we stay with and for how long. "That's why historically we see an increase in romantic love as a basis for forming long-term relationships," she says. According to O'Sullivan culture also shapes the sorts of feelings we expect to have, and actually do experience, when in love. Although the negative emotions associated with romantic love ---fear of loss, disappointment and jealousy--- are fairly consistent across cultures, the positive feelings can vary. "If you ask Japanese students to list the positive attributes they expect in a romantic partner, they rate highly things like loyalty, commitment and devotion," says O'Sullivan. "If you ask American college women, they expect everything under the sun: in addition to being committed, partners have to be amusing, funny and a friend." We judge a potential partner according to our specific cultural expectations about what romantic love should feel like. If you believe that you have found true romance, and your culture tells you that this is what a long-term relationship should be based on, there is less need to rely on social or family pressures to keep couples together, O'Sullivan argues.