EP13-The Dangers of Being Nice

You've met them, I've met them, or you may be one of them: nice people. They always give others the benefit of the doubt, are ready to give a hand, or volunteer for that task that no one wants. They're sensitive to the feelings of others, easy to be around, and rarely if ever argue. But if you're always the nice guy, if it's your 24/7 public persona, there are often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll. Here are the most common ones: Self-Criticism What goes a long way to being nice is that you're more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It's your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be. You have this critical, scolding parent voice coming at you all the time. Under such steady verbal abuse, you vow to try harder, not screw up, be even nicer, but whatever you do is never good enough; fault, mistakes, and incriminations are around every corner. It's a miserable way to live. Pre-compromising in Relationships Rather than clearly stating what you want at the start of a discussion with someone, you instead anticipate or assume what the other person would like, and then downshift your own demands before the conversation starts. Jane probably wouldn't want to swap out my entire weekend shift, you say to yourself, so instead of asking if she can work the entire weekend for you, you ask her if she can do Saturday. When you do this pre-compromising all the time in close relationships, you wind up never really getting what you want, and instead only get watered-down versions that are "okay." Over time, what you're left with is a watered-down life. Does this mean you shouldn't be nice? Of course not. But there's a difference between a values-driven life and an anxiety-driven one. A values-driven life comes out of your values, your core beliefs as an adult of how to be with others. You are kind and considerate and see that we are all struggling on this tiny dot of speck in the vast universe; you treat others the way you'd like to be treated. You do it not because you "should" or because you will feel guilty otherwise, but because it's your life blueprint. But along with this, you can say no, take care of yourself as well as others, be assertive and honest without being aggressive and hurtful. Life is win-win as much as possible. If you decide that you are, in fact, tired of being nice all the time, or tired of absorbing any or all of these consequences, it's time to stop going on autopilot and begin to change some of your behaviors. Here's how to get started: 1. Slow down to realize how you really feel. If you're an always-nice superstar, you likely don't even realize how you feel a lot of the time. Rather than quickly raising your hand at the staff meeting when they call for volunteers, take a few deep breaths, and ask yourself whether you really want to do this. The same is true about negotiating with your partner: Stop the pre-compromise and figure out what you truly want. If you can't tell at the time, wait, and continue to ask yourself how you truly feel; something will eventually emerge. 2. Practice saying no. Not raising your hand is saying no, but you want to practice doing this more actively — this is about setting boundaries. If you're asked to be on a church committee, for example, and don't want to, say no. Better yet, be proactive and let others know where you stand before they come to you. If it's too difficult to say no in person, call and leave a voicemail, or send a text. Just get it done. 3. Use your anger as information. When you feel anger, irritation, or resentment, use it as information telling you what you need, what you don't like, what you may want. Then again speak up