介绍:
Do you believe that controlling your emotions is a virtue?
I also used to believe in that approach. If I could remain calm through adversity, I thought, this was a sign of strength. The problem was, this usually meant I ignored my feelings.
I thought I was "controlling my emotions." In reality, I was denying them.
It took me a long time I can say I finally say I learned my lesson. I don't intend to control my emotions anymore. Instead, I aim for managing how I respond to the feelings I have.
The Difference Between Controlling Your Emotions and Your Responses
You can't choose which emotions you experience. You can, however, decide what you do with them.
Emotions are triggered by your unconscious mind, based on the experiences you had in the past. When something reminds you of a memory, your mind elicits the emotional response associated with it.
This process happens very quickly and without your conscious will. Your rational mind — located in your brain's neocortex — isn't involved in this. That's because it's the newest and most complex part of the brain that doesn't work as fast as the systems responsible for emotions: the reptilian and the limbic brain.
The reptilian and limbic parts of the brain are designed to detect threats based on past experiences. When they do, an uncomfortable emotion arises. However, it takes the neocortex about half a second longer to catch up and process what's going on.
This shows why controlling your emotions doesn't work. When you're in the middle of an emotional upset, no reasoning that "you shouldn't feel this way" is possible. That's because the neocortex (the part of the brain qualified to do that such reasoning) is "offline."
In reality, controlling your emotions makes you weaker, not stronger. That's because it's a huge energy expense.
Another thing is that if you don't consciously process your feelings, you drag them with you into future experiences. Sometimes, this means that the upset you felt in the morning will resurface later in the afternoon. Other times, "unfinished" emotions may compound and disrupt your life in the years to come.
As I realized what I was doing, I started looking for a healthier way of dealing with my emotions.
This was when I discovered mindfulness and meditation. One of the first things I learned was to take my attention off the person that was "causing" me to feel insecure. Instead, I turned inward to take a closer look at what was really going on.
In other words, instead of controlling my emotions, I went on a quest to familiarize myself with them.
What happens in my body when I enter an emotional upset? And what happens in my mind? What are the fear-based beliefs from the past that are driving those emotions?
I started asking such questions whenever I felt the familiar knot in my throat and tightness in my chest.
The idea isn't to be able to answer those questions immediately. Rather, it's about creating a moment of pause between the feeling and what you do next. This is the key to emotional resilience:
Feeling the emotion without reacting for long enough to give your neocortex a chance to catch up.
In a way, it's the opposite of controlling your emotions. Instead, you need to feel them without resisting and be honest with yourself. This won't necessarily change how you feel. But, if you do it consistently, it'll help you transform the way you respond to your emotions.
