CHAPTER FIFTEEN (1)
I WENT BACK there not long ago. It was winter, a clear, cold day. Beyond Schirmeck the
woods were snowy, the trees powdered white and the ground white too. The grounds of the
concentration camp, an elongated area on a sloping terrace of mountain with a broad view of
the Vosges, lay white in the bright sunshine. The gray-blue painted wood of the two- and
three-story watchtowers and the one-story barracks made a pleasant contrast with the snow.
True, there was the entryway festooned with barbed wire and the sign CONCENTRATION
CAMP STRUTHOF-NATZWEILER and the double barbed-wire fence that surrounded the camp.
But the ground between the remaining barracks, where more barracks had once stood side by
side, no longer showed any trace of the camp under its glittering cover of snow. It could have
been a sledding slope for children, spending their winter vacation in the cheerful barracks
with the homely many-paned windows, and about to be called indoors for cake and hot
chocolate.
The camp was closed. I tramped around it in the snow, getting my feet wet. I could easily see
the whole grounds, and remembered how on my first visit I had gone down the steps that led
between the foundations of the former barracks. I also remembered the ovens of the
crematorium that were on display in another barracks, and that another barracks had contained
cells. I remembered my vain attempts, back then, to imagine in concrete detail a camp filled
with prisoners and guards and suffering. I really tried; I looked at a barracks, closed my eyes,
and imagined row upon row of barracks. I measured a barracks, calculated its occupants from
the informational booklet, and imagined how crowded it had been. I found out that the steps
between the barracks had also been used for roll call, and as I looked from the bottom of the
camp up towards the top, I filled them with rows of backs. But it was all in vain, and I had a
feeling of the most dreadful, shameful failure.
On the way back, further down the hill, I found a small house opposite a restaurant that had a
sign on it indicating that it had been a gas chamber. It was painted white, had doors and
windows framed in sandstone, and could have been a barn or a shed or servants’ living
quarters. This building, too, was closed and I didn’t remember if I had gone inside it on my
first visit. I didn’t get out of the car. I sat for a while with the motor running, and looked.
Then I drove on.
At first I was embarrassed to meander home through the Alsatian villages looking for a
restaurant where I could have lunch. But my awkwardness was not the result of real feeling,
but of thinking about the way one is supposed to feel after visiting a concentration camp. I
noticed this myself, shrugged, and found a restaurant called Au Petit Garçon in a village on a
slope of the Vosges. My table looked out over the plain. Hanna had called me kid.