Friends 1006 The One With Ross's Grant

Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there] Phoebe: (she enters) Hey... All: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Ross: Pheebs, what's wrong? Phoebe: Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... (she shows her ring)HUGE engagement ring! All: OH! Rachel: My God! Joey: Hey! Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!! Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or (in a tender way) did he cry? (the guys look at him) Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals! Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever. Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike! All: Whoo! Phoebe: Thank you! (to Rachel) Oh, and I have something for you! Rachel: Mmh-mmh! Phoebe: It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated. Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends? Phoebe: I would, but you're the last one. Rachel: (angrily) GIVE ME THE BOOK! (she takes it and start reading) Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"? Phoebe: Oh, my first love! Rachel: Oh! Monica: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean? Phoebe: Dead. (everyone is a bit upset) Oh, it's OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach. Chandler: Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it. Rachel: Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band? Phoebe: (proud of herself) Oh yes, they are. OPENING CREDITS Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment] Chandler: (he enters) Hey honey! Joey: (Looking inside the fridge, and we only see his back. Then he closes the door, and we see it's Joey.) Hi sweetie! Chandler: Is Monica not here? Joey: No. Chandler: Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial! Joey: Cool! Chandler: Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!! Joey: That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it? Chandler: Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part. Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon! Huh? (he mimes an old man with a beard) I'm old! (then he yawns) I'm tired! (then he mimes someone who's hot...) Hey, I'm hot (...and cold) I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do? Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor. Joey: I can do that! (in a deeper voice) "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the product? Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions? Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again) I'm cold! Scene: Central Perk. Charlie is sitting on the couch and Ross enters.] Ross: (to Charlie) Hey! Charlie: Hey! Ross: Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you. Charlie: Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say congratulations! Ross: Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five! Charlie: Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant! Ross: Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work! Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant? Ross: Yeah. Why? Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant. Ross: Your ex-boyfriend? Charlie: Yeah. Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed! Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you. Ross: Well, if you think it would help. Charlie: Yes, absolutely. I'll call him. Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes? Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish. Ross: We'll see how dinner goes. [ Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She is packing a few tings into boxes.] Phoebe: (looking at Monica entering) Hey! Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie? Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in. Monica: Oh, right. Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker! Phoebe: Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together? Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up? Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys. Monica: Who's Gladys? (Phoebe shows her a horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy coming out of the frame. Monica's frightened and she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic loss! Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her! Monica: (faking happiness) Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know... Phoebe: Why, you don't like her? Monica: Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her! Phoebe: Really? You think? Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!" Phoebe: Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you don't get her. Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through! [ Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Joey and Emma are there.]   Chandler: Hey you guys. Rachel: Hi! Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet? Chandler: Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part. Joey: What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from? Rachel: I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in. Joey(to Chandler): Look, c'mon, please? It's not like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! (he glances at his watch and sees the time) Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work! (he stands, ready to go). Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in. Chandler: Joe... Joey: Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses! Chandler: Fine! Joey: Thank you. (he sits down) Chandler: Work, Joe! Joey: Damn it! (he leaves) Chandler(to Rachel): What am I gonna do now? Joey: Just pass it to your boss! Chandler: He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own! Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys. Chandler: That's good! I liked it, they didn't. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for God's sake, go to work! (Joey runs away). [ Scene: A restaurant. Ross and Charlie are waiting for her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Hobart] Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO? Charlie: (glances over Ross' shoulder) Sorry, looks like it's just him. Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning! Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day. Benjamin: So good to see you. Charlie: Me too. (she and Benjamin are hugging for very long and Ross starts pretending to clear his throat, until they stop) Ross: I'm ok. Charlie: I'm sorry... (introduces them to each other) Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart. Ross: It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, (he thumbs up) whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field. Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice! Charlie: Shall we? (they sit down and Benjamin takes Ross' chair). Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night? Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! (they laugh) Oh my God! I can't believe they let us back in this place! (they laugh more, and Ross start laughing too). Benjamin(to Ross): You weren't there! Ross: No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... (laughs nervously)tzz-zzz, mmm. Charlie: Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room? Benjamin: So, tell me about it. Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert. Benjamin: M-m. Ross: See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated. Benjamin: Break up with Charlie! Ross: What? Benjamin: What? Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"? Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it. Ross: Kind of inappropriate, don't you think? Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her. Ross: Are you serious? Benjamin: If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking! Ross: No! Benjamin: Joking it is! [ Scene: Monica's apartment. Phoebe enters the room.] Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, I'm late. Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting? Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours! Monica: Wow, what's the bad news! Rachel: Who's Gladys? Phoebe: Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame. Rachel: (sarcastic)Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous! Phoebe: Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too! Monica: Huh! Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so... Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you. Rachel: No, I couldn't let you do that. Monica: But I want to. Rachel: But I don't want you to. Monica: But I insist! Rachel: But I insist harder! Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. (she flips the coin). Tails! Monica, she's yours! Monica: No, that landed in your food! Rachel: (sarcastic) No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad! [ Scene: Chandler walks into Joey's apartment] Chandler: Hey Joe! Joey: What's up? Chandler: Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh. Chandler: (Hands the tape back to him) I'm sorry man. Joey: (looks at him suspiciously) But, ehm... you watched the tape? Chandler: (sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches! Joey: (sounds confident) You didn't watch the tape. Chandler: (looks surprised) What!? Of course I did! Joey: Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? Chandler: I'm not lying to you, I watched it! Joey: Well, you lied again! (Rachel comes out of her room and is observing the conversation) ……