Friends 1007 The One With The Home Study

[Scene: Central Perk] (Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.) Ross: Hey you guys! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Hey, what are you doing? Mike: Oh, figuring out our wedding plans. Chandler: That's funny, we were doing the same thing! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was! Chandler: Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers. Phoebe: So what did you two do about it? Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell. Ross: There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money. Mike: I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry. Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that. Phoebe: But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use? Mike: Are you serious? Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall? Mike: I think it would make me wanna marry you even more. (he kisses her) Ross: I've got to say you guys, that's an incredible gesture! Chandler: (to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married! Ross: No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time after that! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment] (Monica is cleaning the table, Chandler is sitting on the sofa. Joey enters.) Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey: What's going on? Chandler: Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment. Monica: (sarcastically) We? Chandler: You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways! Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby? Chandler: Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live. Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state. Joey: Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity. Chandler: (pointing at himself) Little people? Joey: (pointing at himself) Celebrity. Monica: Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes? Chandler: What...? NO! Monica: Chandler? Chandler: (he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation! Monica: Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR? Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine. Monica: It isn't mine! Joey: (going out with the VCR in his hand) Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is!   [Scene: The New York City Children's fund hallway.] Charity guy: May I help you? Phoebe: Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children. Charity guy: Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated. Phoebe: Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one (she gives him a check) Charity guy: Well, this is very generous! Phoebe: And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous. Mike: Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers. Phoebe: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay. Charity guy: Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter. Mike: Not necessary. Phoebe: Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y. Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan". Charity guy: Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much. Phoebe: Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good! Mike: It does. It feels really good! Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! (she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter) Charity guy: Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym. Phoebe: Mhm... it's moist. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.] Ross: (he enters) Hi! Rachel: Hi! Emma will be up in a minute! Ross: Oh, good! Rachel: Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry. Ross: Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there. Rachel: Absolutely. Ross: There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge! Rachel: So, uhm... what are you gonna do today? Ross: Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground! Rachel: Oh my God, what!? Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire! Rachel: Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground. Ross: Be-caaauuuse... Rachel: (upset) All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little. Ross: Seriously? Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks! Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie! Rachel: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes. Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see! Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth! Ross: Space is filled with orbiting children. (pause) Look, please, just come on, you know, when you see the look on Emma's face, I swear you won't regret it. Rachel: All right! Ross: Good, you don't want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you? Rachel: Irrational, huh? All right, well, I'll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment! Ross: Oh, yeah, that's the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings! [Scene: Monica's apartment. Somebody knocks the door] Monica: Oh my God, the adoption lady is early! Chandler: Ok, ok, here we go. Monica: Ok. Chandler: Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly) Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence? Monica: We're waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I'm glad you're here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don't know if you wanna use it, but… Phoebe: Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won't be needing a veil, I actually won't be wearing a dress at all! Monica: I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding! Phoebe: No, no, no, we're not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity. Monica: That's crazy! (Phoebe looks bewildered). I am sorry. I just can't imagine giving up my one wedding day like that! Phoebe: We, you know, we're different! We don't care about having a huge party. (She picks up the veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well, radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress. Monica: That's right. You're making a commitment and that's the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it? Phoebe: City Hall. Monica: Ow! (Chandler slaps her on her back) Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up! Phoebe: It's ok, it's ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding (she covers her mouth) Monica: Yay! Chandler: But you already gave all your money to charity! Phoebe: Well, I'll just ask for it back! Chandler: I don't think you can do that! Monica: Why not! This is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids! Chandler: That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady. [Scene: The playground. Ross put Emma on the swing and they're ready to play] Rachel: Ok, careful. Ross: Ok. Rachel: Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR! Ross: Rach, she's got like three hairs! Rachel: I know (she touches Emma's head) but they're just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out. Ross: I promise you she's safe! No watch how much she loves this. Rachel: Ok. Ross (to Emma): Ready sweety? Rachel: Ok. Ross: Here we go! (He starts pushing Emma) Rachel: Ok, careful, ok. (Emma giggles) Oh, she's smiling! Oh my God, she does like it! Ross: See, I told you! Rachel: Awe! (Emma laughs) Oh my God! Looks, she's a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push? Ross: Oh, absolutely! Rachel: Ok. Oh God. (To Ross) Get the camera, it's in the diaper bag. Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!   [Scene: The New York City Children's fund ] Mike: We're seriously asking for our money back? Phoebe: It's for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting. Charity guy: Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don't think that that's ever happened before. Phoebe (to Mike): Gay, go. Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love your shirt! Phoebe: The donation we made earlier, we k…, we w…, we want it back. Charity guy: Excuse me? Phoebe: Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn't want, but it turns out we do. Charity guy: So you're asking us to refund your donation to the children? Mike: Yeah! This feels really good. Phoebe: I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just really important to me. Charity guy: Hey, it's not my business, (he takes their check from a drawer) besides it's probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing… Phoebe: Hey, that's not fair! A person's wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn't have a graduation party! And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out) Mike: She could have been talking about either one of us. [Scene: Monica's apartment. Somebody knocks the door] Laura: Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview. Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in. Laura: Thank you! Monica: Would you like something to drink? Laura: Oh, water would be fine. Monica: Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We're really excited about getting this process started. Chandler: Oh, because we love kids. Love ‘em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law. Laura: Your place is just lovely. Monica: Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it. Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting? Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks shocked) Chandler: But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building. Laura: Oh... Chandler: What? Laura: I just realized why I remember this place. Monica: Really? What is it? Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well. Monica: Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani? Laura: Yes! Chandler: Of course it was! Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't. ……